The Value of the Struggle
April 10, 2009
Coffee shops can be like airplanes – where you can hear everything around you, but pretend you aren’t listening.
Sitting at the next table was a guy in his early twenties who was trying to be patient as he waited for someone who was obviously late. It was about 9:20, so I’m guessing the meeting was scheduled for 9:00 or maybe even 8:30. He took out his cell phone and dialed, but stopped the call abruptly deciding not to complete the call. He took out the laptop he has put away earlier and started to type. Finally, the person he was waiting for arrived. It was a man in his 50′s and it appeared as though they were meeting for the first time. After introductions and apologies, the conversation began.
The older man started telling the younger man about the struggles in his early career, working several jobs to get through college and several businesses he had started that failed. He proudly described each challenge as a thickened scar that was now overlaid with a badge of courage. The more difficult things were, the more proud he became as he described them.
Observing the pride in the speaker and the admiration in the listener made me think about my son who gets impatient at the first hint of not knowing how to approach a project; my students who became instantly frustrated when I wouldn’t give them a template for the project plan I’d assigned; some (not all :-)) of my career launcher clients who, despite the poor economy, still expect magical sweat-free job offers to materialize; and organizational clients who are managing new-to-market employees who want everything spelled out for them.
It made me think about the value of the struggle.
Now it’s easy to talk fondly and nostalgically about struggles of the past. It’s much harder to appreciate them as you go through them, when you’re not assured a positive outcome. It’s perhaps harder still to watch as other struggle around us. There’s a huge gap between not being supportive and “doing it for them.” But, there’s a fine line between helping too little and helping too much. With Gen Y, we’ve clearly been on the helping too much side of that line. In The Transitional Parent I wrote of children, teenagers and young adults who are always looking for someone to help them get from zero-to-one, not dealing with disappointment, and jobs that are disposable as soon as something is not perfect.
Well, it’s no wonder that Gen Y’s are not experienced in bouncing back from disappointment, need so much direction, and bolt at the first sign of difficultly or things that are not to their liking. We (as parents and teachers) do too much smoothing for them. For example, regarding Gen Y’s weakness at going from zero to one, we often do so much smoothing for them (behind the screens) that they might not even know where zero is. They come into the project at step one and can think they’ve mastered the full project. What a shock when they get into the workplace and get “fix this” as their assignment. Not, here’s the problem, here’s the background, here are the tools you’ll need, here’s a model you can follow, and let me know if you need any help. Just “fix this” can leave them paralyzed, be cause whether they realize it of not, they haven’t had much experience with a simple “fix this.”
The effort to avoid a struggle is natural and understandable. But struggles are where you grow the most. My “Information Technology Leaders” and “On the Career Path” interviews with executives have demonstrated that struggles and mistakes have made for the best learning and growth opportunities. The one that immediately comes to mind is my interview with Tamra Chandler Tamra was the Managing Partner for the Pacific Northwest Business Consulting practice for Arthur Andersen when the Enron case occurred. In the interview Tamra described her realization that the Enron debacle was going to take Arthur Andersen down. She spoke of the difficulty of orchestrating an arrangement that was in the best interest of her staff. The decision to take the team to Hitachi Consulting came after long nights and challenging negotiations. It eventually turned out great for Tamra and her staff. It also positioned her to start her own company PeopleFirm, a consultancy that focuses on helping organizations build a successful “people strategy.” The Arthur Andresen transition was extremely difficult, but it strengthened Tamra in many ways that led her to greater success. Struggle does that.
Struggle is where you find your strength, learn that you can push beyond your previously assumed capabilities, find creative solutions, and learn that you can and will come out the other side. Throughout your life, your struggles are your rights of passage.
So, when we protect our children and students too much from ever having to struggle, we’re actually doing them a disservice. We’re denying them the growth opportunities that will make them stronger and assure them that they can do it. When we step in too much, we can taint their success rather than assuring it. We’re also sending a subtle message that we don’t have faith that they can break through the struggle. They’ll then always be looking for someone to save them, rather than knowing they have the strength, creativity, and potential to succeed on their own.
So parents– let your kids struggle as the work they need to do doesn’t come to them immediately. Before you step in, remember the toddlers’ pride when they buttoned buttons and tied shoes all by themselves for the first time. Think about the broad, true smile of your teenager who made the team without your call to the coach or got an A on a large project that you didn’t help with. They know the difference between succeeding on their own and the success with your backing. One clearly means more than the other and you both know which. Stepping in too quickly also makes kids lazy. They don’t need to try their best or work their hardest because they know you’ll step in a do it for them.
Before you step in to provide “smoothing” assistance, I encourage you to think about why you help so much. Is it because it truly hurts you to witness your struggling child or because you can’t stand the whining anymore? Is it because you really don’t think your child can do it and needs your help or because you feel great by being able to help. Is it because your child is really in trouble or because you need to get on with other things and can’t do that while your child is in struggle mode. Think about which one it is before you step in. Children need to know that their parents are a loving safety net, but they also need to know that their parents will give them the room to learn and grow on their own. When a child says “I can’t do this,” and you step in, you’re saying, “you’re right you can’t do this.” That’s what they hear. (FYI, I’m not passing judgment here, I’m holding up a mirror.)
Teachers –don’t just give your students a template and a “clue” day one, make them figure it out. I know it’s far easier to give them a template that they can fill in – it’s easier to assign, easier to grade, and easier to get a better result early. But are you helping create future leaders who will think for themselves or creating employees who can fill in the blanks and do what they’re told without sufficient thought or sweat? And give the constructive criticism if it’s warranted. In my experience, students value the harsh comments if they know you truly care about their growth and success, and you’re not cruel. And give the low grade when appropriate, even though it will likely mean an unpleasant conversation with a student and, possibly, an even more awkward conversation with a parent. I know it takes time to have the depth and clarity to prepare for those conversations. But when you give the better grade when it isn’t earned, you’re resetting a standard. You cut corners by avoiding the need for intensively detailed feedback and the conversations that are never any fun, but the message to students is that they can cut corners. (FYI, I not passing judgment here either, I have two mirrors 
)
Managers –given that parents and teachers didn’t do it, you will likely have some new-to-market employees who have never really had to use their full capacity to address a challenge. That overlaid with their inherent lack of patience and desire for immediate results will create a challenge. If you give them too much background and provide all the smoothing they desire, you will be perpetuating the problem. If you don’t provide it, you’ll be viewed as unsupportive. Tough spot.
This is why Bruce Tulgen of Rainmaker Thinking refers to Gen Y as “the most high maintenance workforce in history.” Part of your job in effectively managing Gen Y will be walking that tightrope between providing too little direction and too much. As you provide “just the right amount” of direction and training, let them know that you need them to figure things out for themselves and to work through resolving an assignment’s ambiguities, even if it makes them impatient with you and themselves. Be there to support and encourage, but don’t just give them all the tools or create the framework for them. Reassure them that you know they can do it, but be balanced with constructive feedback that will help them grow from their mistakes. As with teachers, if they trust that you care about them and the constructive feedback is thoughtful and accurate, they’ll appreciate it, even if they bristle a bit. It won’t be easy or low maintenance, but you’ll be helping to create a confident, self-reliant and successful employee, and isn’t that a manager’s job?
Gen Y –I truly believe you are an incredibly high potential group. But technology, the internet and all the “smoothing” that’s gone on in your support seems to have left you, not only super efficient, but also extremely impatient. When a struggle arrives, your efficient-minded approach (which often serves you well) can backfire in encouraging you to look for a work-around or exit, rather than embracing the challenge for what it is. So whether it’s your parent, your teacher, or your manager, take a breath before you ask for help and take an even bigger breath before you accept it. A simple, “let me give it a try first” can create a wonderful learning opportunity. Take a bigger breath still before getting frustrated with your parents, teacher or manager when you don’t get what you “need” in term of their support. Maybe they’re giving you the gift of opportunity to earn some battle scars and badges of your own.
Will the current economy make Gen Y “get with the program?”
March 3, 2009
The discussion topic I hear a lot about Gen Y lately seems to be how they’ll react to our current economic climate. Will they ignore it, pretend it will go away, or change their attitudes and expectations about the workplace and their role in it. What these folks are really asking is whether this will get Gen Y’s to “grow up” and start to take work more seriously – to not view this first job as an enrichment opportunity, to recognize that their manager is their manager and not a peer, and to stay in their job even if it isn’t perfect or if they have an opportunity to “go to Europe.” That’s what they’re really asking.
Here’s what I’m starting to see and what I expect will happen.
In short, Gen Y’s may be less choosy about the jobs they accept or the positions they stay in, but they won’t be able to outrun who they are. They might accept a position that doesn’t offer time and place flexibility, or doesn’t pay as much as they’d like, or isn’t what they’re really interested in, or has a command and control management structure. They’ll convince themselves that it’ll be OK and that they need to shift their expectations. They’ll be able to do that for a while. But, if the job and culture are not satisfying, eventually who they really are and what they really want from a job will overcome why they made the decision in the first place, and they’ll either leave or worse, just check out.
It’s not just Gen Y. This kind of thing happens to everyone. Below is a Gen Y example followed by my example.
Lack of Time/Place Flexibility loses a company a great hire that they’d invested in
I recently met with a former student who has started an amazing not-for-profit called Construction for Change http://www.constructionforchange.org/. His story of the job he left went something like this.
“I took a job in the field I wanted. The work was interesting, I was getting great opportunities and I was learning a lot. But they required all the work to be done on site and there was an expectation of 9 – 12 hour days.”
“Was it the kind of work that needed to happen on site and was there so much of it that it required all that time?” I asked.
“No and that’s what bugged me. I wouldn’t have minded putting in the hours if it really needed to take that long. But it didn’t. And needing to be on site all the time left me with no flexibility to get other things done. I had this not-for-profit idea that I was really excited about and needed the time to work on. I know I could have done both effectively, but not if I had to be on site for so many hours a day. I knew it was a tough job market. But, after a year and a half I left that job anyway. I now work part time for a different company and part time on my own not-for-profit. I’m much happier and I’m building something that’s really important.”
Saying it’s OK (to your hiring manager and yourself) in an interview is easier than living it everyday
Many years ago I was being interviewed for a job I really wanted. One of the downsides of the position was that it reported to two people. I’d had that situation earlier in my career and never felt comfortable with it. But I loved the company and really wanted the job, so I accepted the position and told myself that I’d learn to live with the dual reporting relationship. Maybe it wouldn’t be that bad this time. Well, I was right and I was wrong. I did love the company and also loved the job I was in. It had that perfect balance of leveraging my strengths and providing opportunities for me to grow in new directions. But the dual reporting relationship was driving me crazy. My performance was suffering. I was becoming crabby and snippy to the people I was hired to support, and resenting any recommendations made by one of my managers who had now become a good friend. It may seem petty, but I resented that I had to report to this person who I viewed more as my peer.
Just at the frustration point where I was considering leaving, the person I considered more peer than manager announced that she was leaving. I took on her responsibilities and continued to report to my other prior manager. I was saved from a series of uncomfortable conversations (“You knew this was a component of the job and said that you were fine with it . . . “) or from having to decide whether it was worth leaving over. But, the bottom line was that I knew before I took the job that it would probably bother me. It was acceptable for a while, but I couldn’t sustain the unnatural acceptance long term.
I recently conducted a “Give & Take” session at a University. In the past when I asked student what they dread about entering the workforce (after a discussion of what they were excited about) the response had generally been around lack of flexibility and constraints on their time. Now what they dreaded was having to take a job they didn’t want.
So, my projection is that Gen Y’s approach to work in this economy is that they may accept jobs they don’t really want telling themselves they’re doing what they have to do. But when it comes to the day to day acceptance, they may be somewhat more tolerant initially, but will eventually leave or check out if the work and the work environment are not stimulating and not supportive.
For manager of Gen Y, same rules as in my past blogs still apply. As I wrote in “Gen Y Retention in a Tough Economy” http://onboardinggeny.com/gen-y-retention-in-a-tough-economy/ retaining employees is only valuable if those are happy employees. Retaining unhappy employees is worse than losing them. Take a good look at your positions, policies and culture through Gen Y glasses:
Time Flexibility
Place Flexibility
Dress Code
Salary
Feedback Frequency
Promotional Frequency
Respect for employees
Access to Internet
Access to Social Networking tools
Current technology tools
Variety of Tasks
Opportunities to work on “goodness” projects
How closely work is tied to what’s important to the business
Working with people your own age
Remember that many of these things are important to all the generations you work with, not just Gen Y. This assessment is helpful in two ways:
First, think about what you can change and what you can’t. What you should change and what you shouldn’t. And make sure you know the difference between the “nice to have” and the “must have” issues that will make your Gen Y’s so unhappy that they check out or leave. A recent Harvard Business Publishing Management Tip entitled “Switch to Task-Based Job Assignments” references a great article called “Think Task, Not Time” written by Tammy Erickson almost two years ago http://blogs.harvardbusiness.org/erickson/2007/03/think_task_not_time.html?cm_mmc=npv-_-MGMT_TIP-_-JAN_2009-_-MTOD0116. It still resonates today and provides an example of something businesses can do today that will be appealing not only to Gen Y, but also to other generations in the work force. Other thoughts on how Gen Y is not so different, but more extreme can be found in http://www.ere.net/2009/02/27/the-hidden-gift-your-gen-y-employees-are-offering-you/.
Second, as you do your recruiting (if you’re doing any recruiting) reference this list (and whatever else you’ve added to it) as you interview your potential Gen Y employees. Figure out which of these issues are really important to each candidate and see where your company stands on those issues. If you’re too far apart on the issues that matter, it’s probably not a good fit, no matter how much the candidate insists it will be OK. That said, some new employees will change their mind on things. Remember that for many college students, this will be their first “real job” and they are just starting the process of learning what’s really important to them. As I mentioned in Manager/Employee Sweet Spot, http://onboardinggeny.com/manager-employee-sweet-spot/ sometimes they don’t know what kind of work will interest them since they haven’t had the exposure yet. It will make a patient and skilled interviewer to determine the job aspects that a prospective employee may see as negative initially, but adjust to, and those issues which will eventually become so bothersome that it will cause the new hire to check out and leave. It’s a fine line. Look carefully and think carefully.
Gen Y’s, three things for you. First, use the list above as a starting point in figuring out your work values. Add to the list anything else which is important to you and remove things that are unimportant. Then think carefully about which of those are easy for you to be flexible on and which as more important to you. Stack rank them if it helps. If the job you’re interviewing for meets your top criteria, but not your bottom ones, no big deal. Go for it. But, if it is very inconsistent with the things on the top of your list, you really need to think about whether those are things you can accept long term.
Second, keep in mind that full time work will be different from what you imagine, and that your ideas and what’s important to you will shift over time. For example, I once thought the commute to the Wall Street area from the Upper East Side of NY would be truly miserable. But I took the job anyway because I needed the skill set it would provide. I have to admit, I took the job telling myself I’d continue to look for other jobs in “midtown.” Turns out, the longer commute on the bus gave me more time to read and prepare for my day. And, I met some wonderful people, one of whom, over 20 years later, is still a treasured friend. So, I’m glad I took that job and the thing I thought would drive me crazy didn’t. Also, things in a job will change over time; a manager you don’t care for will move on, a project will be cancelled, a new strategic direction will be initiated etc. Fine lines, tough choices, and really thinking about what’s important.
Third, if you’re already in a job that is not as satisfying as you’d hoped, PLEASE recognize that this economic downturn is real. Don’t view your job as disposable. You will need to recognize that no job will be perfect and that you have a lot to learn, not just from the tasks of your job, but also learning how the organization works and learning about yourself.
Over the years I’ve counseled many students who were disappointed with summer internships to think about other things they can get from the experience and to focus on making the changes they could. Most ended up with a fulfilling experience. They were glad that they “stuck it out. ” They found they gained important skills from work that was less interesting than they’d hoped, but more nuanced than they’d come to believe. And they recognized the valuable experience they got by learning that careful dance of working with their manager to continue to do the work they were hired to do, but migrate their role to other areas of interest. At the end, they got more out of the experience than they ever imagined.
In this economic environment, it’s may be far easier to make your current job better than to find another job that meets your criteria. This is not a time for knee-jerk reactions. It’s time for careful consideration about what you want, what’s available, and what’s really important to you.
The Transitional Parent (Part 2 – Gen Y Retention, Excellence & Growth)
December 12, 2008
Part 1 of “The Transitional Parent” focused on how Gen Y’s seem to be delaying “adulthood,” defined as a time when they take full responsibility for their lives. I included stories providing examples of young adults who are unwilling/unable to make their own decisions, parents who insert themselves (or Gen Y’s who allowed their parents to insert themselves) into the academic and professional lives of their children in ways that are excessive, Gen Y’s having a hard time going from zero-to-one on their own, how Gen Y’s have rarely faced disappointment or having to accept the consequences of their actions, and those who view their early to mid 20′s as an extension of their adolescence rather than the start of their adulthood.
Given these observations, how should managers approach their new-to-market employees in ways that are effective, realistic and reasonable?
Parent Role and Manager Role — Differences and similarities are a matter of degree and content
Among other things, the role of parents is to:
- keep their children safe and healthy
- provide an environment in which children can learn and grow
- teach children right from wrong and how to get along in the world
- set boundaries
- teach good work habits
- provide lots of guidance, feedback and encouragement
- encourage excellence
- help children learn to make good decisions
- move children towards successful independence
- provide enrichment opportunities
- and to love unconditionally
Parenting is a high touch, high maintenance activity. Different parents approach the role in varying ways based on their own personalities, histories and parenting philosophy. Parenting level of involvement runs along a continuum that changes through the course of a child and a parent’s life.
Among other things, the role of a manager is to:
- create a productive team that gets the job done
- create a culture that encourages and facilitates success
- set a clear direction
- provide resources needed to do the job
- coach employees to master their current role
- prepare employees to demonstrate good judgment, independent decision making, and initiative to take on additional responsibility
- provide feedback, support, cover and encouragement
Whether the manager/employee relationship is high touch or low touch depends upon the manager’s personality and approach; the employee’s personality, role and need; and the nature of any given project or task. Some managers interact with their staff daily, others rarely. This too runs along a continuum that will change through the course of an employee, a manager and a project’s life. There is a realistic expectation that employees at the start of their career will require more management attention than those who are more established in their career.
Gen Y and their Manager – A question of expectations
If you examine the parent role and the manager role, they’re fairly similar. Both roles require structure, explanations, guidance, opportunity creation etc. The differentiation is often where they land on the involvement continuum and the scope of influence. However, Gen Y employees seem to be entering the workforce with a different level of expectation regarding what support their managers will provide. These changes often catch their managers by surprise and leave them unsure of how to approach this new profile of employees. Three of the main differences that may not have entered into the manager/employee relationship for generations past as much as they do now are enrichment, independence and unconditional love.
Many of the Gen Y I’ve worked with, whether consciously or subconsciously seem to view their first job as another enrichment opportunity. (The concept of enrichment will be discussed further in a future blog.) This will certainly impact the seriousness with which they approach work, and how flexible and loyal they’ll be. Gen Y’s are accustomed to the adults in their life arranging opportunities purely for the child’s personal growth. Gen Y’s may assume that their managers will approach task assignments and coaching in that same individual-focused way, rather than from a “what’s needed for the business” perspective.” This can lead to inconsistent expectations which can often lead to manager’s disappointment with an employee’s performance, commitment and attitude, and an employee’s disappointment with an organization’s opportunities and support.
Speaking of support, for generations past, young twenty-year-olds entered the workforce itching for independence. They’d been overseen by their parents and then by their teachers and they wanted to be allowed to fly – to see what they could do without such an overbearing support system. Gen Y’s do not seem to be demonstrating that desire. For their parents, raising independent children was not a high priority, so this generation doesn’t have much experience with it. They like their support system, and again, whether consciously or subconscious, will except it to be there in the workplace like it was at home. So managers may be surprised by the extent to which their new employees are dependent upon them for guidance, feedback, and decision support. When they enter the workforce, this generation will expect frameworks to help them know where to start and feedback at each step in their process. Without it, they will have a hard time getting started and meeting the company’s expectations and their own. They’ll be less loyal because they just won’t feel the love.
Speaking of “the love” one of the biggest differences between a parent and a manager is that a parent will love a child unconditionally, even if that child fails a test, can’t hit a baseball, or talks back to grandma. A manager will not (indefinitely) support an employee who can’t deliver, no matter how much that manager likes that employee. A parent cares, first and foremost, about each child. A manager cares, first and foremost, about the business. While Gen Y’s don’t expect their managers to love them like their parents do (that would be creepy) they do expect their managers to care about them as people, not just as employees and their ability to serve the business. Without that personal connection, it is very easy to choose to move on at the first hint of job dissatisfaction or the image of greener pastures.
First Manager = The Transitional Parent – A Place on the Continuum
And so, we’re back to the concept of a continuum and viewing the role of the first manager more as that of a transitional parent. Instead of new employees showing up day one ready to serve the organization and be independent, they show up with the unspoken belief that this is another enrichment activity and that a manager’s primary role is to serve and support their needs. If parents are not promoting strong independence, decision making and an ability to get from zero to one on their own, that role will fall to the first manager. If parents are hovering and providing constant feedback, the first manager will become responsible for breaking that habit and adding the confidence to reduce that dependence. If parents have not guided their children through facing disappointment and coming back stronger and more determined, that will fall to the first manager who simply cannot promote everyone. If parents have not provided guidance on what information is appropriate to share and how to approach “no dress code” in a way that will position an employee for success, it becomes the first manager’s responsibility to do that.
Many managers will find themselves surprised at the scope of this role. They will be surprised that while their new-to-market employees enter the workforce with many amazing and impressive skills, there will be some maturity gaps that these managers will need to fill to ensure their new-to-market employees’ success. None of this is impossible, but it sure is time consuming. And so a first manager may need to move closer to high involvement than may have been necessary in the past. The role of the transitional parent is much higher maintenance than the role of a more traditional manager.
So, for managers of new-to-market employees, don’t be surprised by these traits in your Gen Y employees. Recognize that to manage this generation effectively, to retain them long enough for them to become productive and confident contributors to your organization, you have some work to do that you may not have anticipated. This will require explaining how their projects fit in with the overall mission of the organization and explaining how working on those projects will provide skills that your employees will leverage later in their career. Recognize that they may want constant feedback, but that it doesn’t serve them well if you provide it. It will be your job to wean them from it and to develop confidence in their ability to make independent decisions. You will need to provide ways for them to hone their instincts regarding information sharing, dress code, constant telecommuting at the expense of feeling a part of the culture etc. And finally, you will need to (and should) care about them as people. You can’t phone this in. You actually have to care. Managers who don’t will likely be ineffective with Gen Y’s. Their employees will leave quickly and will not be shy about broadcasting why. Their Gen Y’s who stay will become even higher maintenance because they will continually be insecure. Yet, managers who are inclined to have a higher level of caring for their employees as people, not just as employees, and who are willing to do coaching and individualizing will fare better with this generation, and likely employees of all generations.
Gen Y’s you need to recognize some of this as well. Realize that you’ve been hired to do a job and that you have the talent to do it incredibly well. Your job is not an optional activity. You are being compensated to provide value to your organization. Yes, you should grow in the process. But your growth may be as much what your organization needs as what you need. (Hopefully both you and your organization have chosen each other well.) Your manager is there to guide you, but you are primarily responsible for your own success. No job is perfect and no job will meet all your needs and expectations, especially day one. Be patient with your job, your manager, and yourself. Ask for what you need, but don’t expect to get it in exactly the form you anticipate. In many cases a question will be answered with a question, and you will be asked to draw your own conclusions. A manager who provides this level of coaching rather than just telling you what to do is a gift. Appreciate it, rather than getting frustrated by it. Think about what a dream employee would be to your manager and become that employee. Those are the employees who get the best projects, the fast track promotions, and the latitude to follow their own interests combined with the organization’s needs. Those are the employees who are mentored by their organization’s leaders, not just managed by them. If that’s who you want to be, be that person.
Parents, when your kid breaks a glass plate carrying it to the kitchen sink, let your child carry the plate again tomorrow. OK, you have no idea what I’m talking about. When he was 5, I switched my son Carl from plastic to glass plates. The first night, he dropped his plate and it shattered across the kitchen floor. I didn’t much care about the plate, but could have lived without the hour of clean-up painstakingly assuring that the floor was cleared on every shard so not to injure my son or one of our cats. After that I started carrying the plates. I didn’t think much about it or make a conscious decision each time, I just did it. It was easier that way. He’s 7 now, and I’m finally ready to let him carry his plate again. When I suggested it, he said,”I can’t, I’m afraid I’ll drop it.” And I realized that every time I carried his plate, I was telling him, “you can’t do this.”
So parents, do less for your kids. At a certain point in their life your level of involvment needs to move to the lower side of the continuum. Encourage them to make their own decisions. Yes, they’ll make mistakes, but they’ll learn more from those than they will from your doing it for them. Don’t go to informational college or grad school interviews and don’t call the school or a prospective employeer to get feedback or status. You can coach your child regarding questions to ask and what to say, but that room and that phone call belongs to them. Employers and university administrators do not view your participation favorably and it reflects badly on your children. Let your children struggle when they don’t know where to start a project. You’ll know when they’re ready to do more on their own. Let them squirm and whine. They’ll be prouder of their final accomplishment. Let them fail or try out for a team they likely won’t make. Support them through the process of deciding what’s really important to them and figuring out what they need to do to get there. Teach them to be great employees and the value of hard work. Talk to them about your early career choices (good and bad) and why their early twenties is a great time to spread their professional wings – a time for flapping rather than soaring.
By the way, this is as much a “note to self” as it is intended for readers.
Oh, and the “unconditional love” part, that’s forever.
The Transitional Parent (Part 1 – Delayed Adulthood)
November 16, 2008
“Adulthood” – The period of time in your life after your physical growth has stopped and you are fully developed. The state (and responsibilities) of a person who has attained maturity.
(WordNet® 3.0, © 2006 by Princeton University)
Much has been written about Gen Y’s relationships with their parents. This has been a heavily “parented” generation with interesting results. On one side, this, perhaps overly active parenting has led to young adults who are unwilling/unable to make their own decisions, insert their parents (or allow their parents to insert themselves) into their academic and professional lives in ways that are inappropriate, have a hard time going from zero-to-one on their own, have rarely faced disappointment or having to accept the consequences of their actions, and view their early to mid 20′s as an extension of their adolescence rather than the start of their adulthood. On the other side, we see less rebellion. We see a generation of parents and children who are extremely close and truly enjoy and value each other’s company more so that the early-to-mid 20 year olds of generations past. I leave it to the psychologists to determine whether the lack of rebellion is troubling or welcome, while I focus on how this impacts the workplace. That will be the focus of “The Transitional Parent – Part 2″. In the meantime, here are some examples of how Gen Y’s delayed adulthood has manifested itself.
Decision Making Quandary
While many Gen Y’s have had input into family decisions since early childhood, that’s not the same as making your own decisions and dealing with the consequences of those decisions. Parental input into college and job decisions of this generation is significant and apparent. No longer is this just a sanity check in the background.
A Director of Career Services at a local University mentioned that they invite new students and their parents to orientation sessions. The students and parents are combined for the opening remarks and are then separated for other activities. Most do this separation seamlessly. But several others fight the process. “They’re concerned that decisions will need to be made without the opportunity to confer.” I was told. I asked whether it was the students or the parents who were more concerned. The Director said they were both equally concerned; the students that they wouldn’t be able to get advice or have the decisions made for them by their parents, the parents that the students might “make a mistake” or that the parent would not be informed of / involved in what decisions were made.
Do you think it’s reasonable that college aged students are fearful of making course decisions on their own (they could certainly have discussed this ahead of time)? Do you think it’s reasonably that parents don’t trust their college aged children to make their own decisions?
Parents Where They Shouldn’t Be
Stories abound of universities and corporations who have had to add staff to handle the high volume of phone calls and emails from parents of their students and new/prospective employees. One hiring manager told me of a phone call he recently had with the mother of a job candidate. “The worst part,” he said, “was that I could hear the child/job candidate in the background.” This was not a rogue, over protective parent secretly making a phone call. This was done at the child’s request. But here’s a story even more extreme!
I was recently told of a mother who showed up for a job interview in lieu of her daughter. The lead recruiter for a large accounting firm was conducting the first part of the campus full interview day when he noticed that one person in his interview group was significantly older than the others. Assuming this might be a non-traditional student, he didn’t think much of it. That was until they went around the room and introduced themselves. When he got to the non-traditional student, she announced that she was not the job candidate. She was the job candidate’s mother. The candidate herself was at another interview and would join the group later in the day. But the interviewer need not worry, “I know more about her than she knows about herself,” the mother announced.
Is it reasonable for parents to show up in their child’s place at a job interview? Is it reasonable for a parent to call to follow up on the interview’s outcome? Do you think the daughter got the job?
Zero-to-One Challenges
Gen Y, while incredibly talented, don’t generally have great skills at going from “zero-to-one.” Give many of them a “go solve this” project without “how to” directions or more information and they will often stall and focus on their other efforts which keep them active, busy and generally productive. But, it doesn’t move the newly assigned project forward. Give them just a little bit more guidance and information and they take off like a shot in ways that will amaze you. I saw this time and again with many of my students. In my “Management Lessons from ‘The Apprentice’” class, I had them write project plans. I was constantly asked for a format/detailed outline that they could follow. Instead I would give them a starting list of topics and insist that they think through all the information that needed to be presented and the format that would best showcase their plan. They continued to creatively restate their request to get me to “tell them more.” I knew if I did, they’d just do what I told them instead of thinking for themselves and finding their own voice. Project Plan 1 was generally pretty bad as they stumbled through figuring it out for themselves. By Project Plan 8, most plans were a thing of beauty and my students left the class confident that could think for themselves, rather than just do what they were told. But why did they push so hard for the format/detailed outline in the first place?
I’ve recently gotten some personal insight into why they may not tend to be great “out of the block” starters. Apparently, as a parent, it’s my fault <sigh>
My son, Carl, is seven years old, so he’s not Gen Y. He’s whatever comes after Gen Y (Gen Z, Gen Next . . .) But, ever since the start of second grade, he gets a packet of homework on Monday that’s due on Friday. He breezes through the math, spelling, word games etc., but gets stuck on the essay. He’ll look at the topic for a few minutes, and, if an idea doesn’t come to him quickly, he declares it impossible. Then he grunts and groans and squirms. He gets frustrated. Then he starts to whine. When the whining reaches fever pitch, I too get frustrated. He begs for my ideas, concepts, insights, ANYTHING to help him get started. I’m embarrassed to say that he always wears me down. I need to get dinner going, I’m tired, and the whining is all I can take. Just the smallest idea or comment can help get him out of neutral and then off he goes. Once he has the concept, he makes it his own. But, a time will come, like HOPEFULLY NEXT MONDAY, when he’ll need to come up with his own concepts. To get from “zero-to-one” on his own when the answer doesn’t come right to him. Am I helping or hurting him each time I give him that nudge? Don’t answer that. I know the answer. I teach the answer. But there’s something about the whining that brings me to doing this over and over again, against my better judgment. How many parents (and teachers) give the same nudge. No wonder our kids still need it.
There’s a fine line between guidance and giving the answer. But there should also come a time when self-starting and working through things on their own happens. Maybe it’s older than seven, but I saw the same tendency in many of my college aged students and think back now to wonder if their parents would have helped them more by not helping them so much. I also wonder whether we help more and do more for our kids because we’re just so tired. It’s hard to admit it, but sometimes I help, not just so the whining will stop, but so the homework will be completed and it will not only be off Carl’s head, but also off mine. I know it should be his responsibility, but I still feel it’s mine to be sure it happens. At what age do we hand over responsibility? Seven, Ten, Fifteen, Twenty, Twenty-Five, Never? It depends on the the topic, and the child, and it’s always a fine line.
Not Dealing with Disappointment and Consequences
Gen Y is the self-esteem generation. The ones who grew up where everybody is a winner, everyone gets a trophy, so that no one will be disappointed. The kids see that the awards mean less when everyone gets them, but the adults in their lives are reluctant to make distinctions for fear of hurting feeling, reducing self esteem, and (I’m guessing here) not wanting to deal with the fall out of a disappointed child (or worse yet, the defensive parent of disappointed child.) Look at grade inflation. Is that because kids are smarter and that a B is now average?
Another Carl story (sorry, Carl!) When Carl was in kindergarten I signed him up for soccer. It was 5 practices. I won’t bore you with the details, but Carl made it through only 2 practices. By practice 3 he cried so hard about not wanting to go anymore that (after watching him sob through the first 10 minutes of the third practice) I agreed that he could leave and not complete the “season.” A few weeks after the end of the season, I got a call from the team’s coordinator asking what size Carl’s team T-shirt should be and letting me know the cost of my portion of the trophy. I informed the coordinator that I was happy to pay my portion for the trophies, but that Carl shouldn’t get a T-Shirt or a trophy. “Won’t Carl be disappointed and feel left out if all the other kids on the team get them?” I truly appreciated her concern, but told her that since he didn’t finish the season, he hadn’t earned them. I got more push back, but insisted. This wasn’t a terribly tough decision on my part. I knew that Carl felt little connection to the team and wouldn’t really care about the T-Shirt and trophy. But I was trying to set the precedent of needing to earn rewards. Will I be this firm when he doesn’t meet his commitment and wants the reward? I hope so. But (see Zero-to-One challenges) the jury’s still out <sigh.>
As we shield our children from ever feeling sad, facing disappointment and accepting the consequences of their actions, are we taking the easy way out short term, but making things far harder for them in the long term? Can we wonder why they’ll leave a job so quickly at the first hint of disappointment?
The Disposable Job
All of this, the lack of decision making, the over-actively advocating for 18 – 24 year old children, always helping them get from zero-to-one, and protecting them from disappointment, delays their adulthood. It makes them view their early 20′s more as an extension of their adolescence and they don’t view that first job after college as an opportunity to commit to their work life and start building their professional skills, resume and network. They take that first job far less seriously than perhaps they should. Last story for now.
I recently got a call from a former student. She was asking for help in looking for a new job. I asked what happened at her current job. She told me that she liked (didn’t love, but liked) her job. But she had an opportunity to go to Europe for three weeks. “They” wouldn’t give her the time off, so she gave her notice. No hard feelings, she wasn’t angry that they wouldn’t give her time off, but she also wasn’t worried that it could be hard to find another job that she liked as well and that had such solid growth potential. “I can go back and live at home after Europe. I’ll find something else eventually.”
Is this the choice you would have made?
All this said, this generation has a wonderfully strong and positive relationship with their parents, so perhaps it’s hard to look at this too critically. But this level of coddling, high touch, extended parenting leaves Gen Y’s first managers in a complicated position as they become, in essence, the transitional parent. That will be the topic of my next blog which will include recommendations for parents, managers and Gen Y’s.
Gen Y Retention in a Tough Economy
October 28, 2008
You may find yourself wondering why I would choose to write about employee retention in a tough economy.
Some of you may be thinking that, in a poor economy, retention efforts are unnecessary since employees are less likely to leave their existing job.
Others may be thinking that retention is even more critical in a down economy.
I’m writing in response to the first position with support for the second.
Over the past few weeks, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been responding to comments along the lines of, “As the economy gets worse, I don’t t think we’re going to have a retention problem. I don’t expect our Gen Y employees to be leaving as fast as they used to.” While the spoken element of this is a belief that their employees won’t leave, the unspoken belief is that efforts to increase these employees’ job satisfaction are no longer necessary. Bad Plan!
In a down economy, employee retention and job satisfaction are even more important.
Employers who think the poor economy will encourage an unhappy Gen Y to stay in that job will find themselves disappointed and with an open headcount. This generation is fairly confident they can get another job, likely to already have their own entrepreneurial ventures going, have friends with entrepreneurial ventures going, &/or see no stigma in moving back home with their parents.
So, in a down economy, doesn’t it make sense to focus attention towards retention, efficiency and morale efforts rather than the alternative? Consider the following:
Recruiting Efforts & Costs – When an employee leaves, unless you are not replacing that headcount, you and others in your organization will be spending time and money to replace that employee with someone as qualified as the person you hired in the first place. Once you have paid the recruiting costs and you, your staff, and your HR department have spent the time interviewing, you have the . . .
Training Costs and Training Time – You will need to train the new employee so s/he can be a productive new member of your staff. Who will do most of that training? Probably your existing employees who are already overworked because of the . . .
Retained Staff’s Reduced Efficiency and Effectiveness – First, your staff is probably running lean in this economy as cost containment becomes a survival focus. Second, when your employee resigned, your existing staff has likely had to absorb the workload until a new employee is hired. Third, they are still doing more than one person’s work, are now training the replacement and are still covering the replacement’s workload until that new employee comes up to speed. This means that they spend less time on their original job and what follows is . . .
Churn’s Morale Hit – When employees start to leave an organization morale takes a hit. It’s frustrating to see someone move on to another position. It makes you feel like you’re being left behind. It makes you think more about greener pastures and what’s “wrong” with your current job. It makes you feel trapped. And sometimes, you may just miss your old work buddy. This doesn’t even include the reality of the extra work coming your way, when you’re already doing the work of two people because your company is running lean in this tough economy.
Reputation for an unpleasant culture gets around. Once the economy improves, these employees you didn’t care enough about will leave and it will be hard to replace them because you will have a reputation as an organization that doesn’t care about its people and doesn’t treat them well.
But, besides all this, why would an organization want to retain people who aren’t happy in their jobs. That too creates a morale hit. You also aren’t getting those employees at their creative, problem solving, roll up their sleeves best. And isn’t a tough economy when you need that most?
So, for Managers of Gen Y employees, while you may get some satisfaction from the reality that it will probably take longer for the departing employee to find another job than that employee anticipates, that doesn’t negate the fact that you now have to spend time and money on recruiting and training, and endure yet another learning curve. Retention efforts don’t need to be expensive. Focus on making sure your employees (all employees, not just Gen Y’s) understand the value of their efforts, why their projects are important, and that you care about them as people. Be patient with them, they’re worried about the economy too. Invest in their skills and assure them that they are “part of the solution.” Surprise them with something fun once in a while. Assure them that they are critical to your organization’s riding out a tough economy. You need them at their creative, focused, problem solving, happy best.
Gen Y, don’t just sit back and wait for things to get better. Take part in making it better. If you’re ready to leave a job not because you’ve got a great opportunity but because you’re unhappy where you are, think about what you could do to make things better. Before you get your letter of resignation written, put yourself in your manager’s shoes and think about the challenges s/he is facing. If you were that manager, how would you want/need your employees to respond. Now is the time to be your best. While your management needs to recognize that you are “part of the solution,” you need to actually BE “part of the solution.” This is your opportunity to wow your manager and have the impact on the organization that you know you have the potential for. Won’t that position you well when the economy improves and promotions and new projects flow more freely? Yes, a large part of this is your management’s responsibility. But an even larger part of it is yours.
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